Entering into a committed relationship with a man who has kids from a previous relationship has its ups and downs, but one thing that stands is if you decide to marry a man with children, then his kids are also yours and you should love them as such. But what about a mate who has no biological children and insists on keeping tabs on his ex’s kids? Could you support him in fostering those relationships as well? That’s a question I responded to with a hard “no” when I found myself in that situation.
I’m a huge fan of the “Maury Show.” I’ve been watching it for as long as its been on television and I don’t plan on stopping anytime soon. A few years ago, the guy I was seeing had a huge problem with Maury because he felt like the talk show exploited Black people and made them look ignorant. I’m laughing out loud even as I write this because Maury Povich has never been the problem; his guests are.
When it came down to it, the guy’s real frustration was with hearing “you are NOT the father” due to a past relationship in which his former lover tried to pin a sickly baby on him. He always had an inclination that the baby boy wasn’t his, but he procrastinated with taking a paternity test and only finally took the plunge when the child was two year’s old. When the little boy turned four, he and the mother parted ways. From what his family told me, the relationship itself was a nightmare, but I’m guessing that his desire to be a part of her children’s lives (the mother also had a school-age daughter) kept him there for an extra two years. Finding out the son wasn’t his led him to become more bitter than what he already was with his life and soon it began infringing on his new relationships, like the one he had with me.
I prefer not to date men with children for my own reasons, though I sometimes make exceptions, depending on other qualities a man possesses. And like I said, if a man has biological children and I’m committed to him, then his kids are my kids; no questions asked. But taking on that role for children who aren’t mine or his? I don’t see it. l could be doing something that leads to a more promising future for myself rather than for kids with their own parents. On several occasions, the aforementioned man asked to meet the little boy and I declined. Apparently, my now-ex had several girlfriends meet this child before I came along, which I personally don’t believe is healthy for the kid or him. I concluded that he just wanted a “sense of fatherhood,” rather than an actual family. And, overall, there was no possible way for me to have a solid relationship with this man who was not willing to heal from his hurt. His “NOT the father” experience happened six years prior to meeting me, if he hadn’t let that hurt go yet he probably wasn’t going to and I’m not in the business of making anybody do anything they’re not ready to do. So I did what I was ready to do which was move on. Would you have done the same?
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