As much as I adore my older sister, she has a bad habit that I absolutely can’t stand. Now most things I’ll let slide, even when I find myself annoyed, but every time she does this one thing I have to shut her all the way down. And that’s because whether we find ourselves sitting in rush hour traffic next to a guy blasting MC Hammer’s “Pumps And A Bump” like it didn’t go double paperclips or for some reason Queen Sugar decides to air one whole episode where Kofi Siriboe doesn’t go shirtless, my sister will utter two words that I want to completely erase from her vocabulary: I’m sorry. She’s an apologizer. Someone who subconsciously believes she is responsible for guaranteeing everyone convenience, happiness and amusement at all times. And when the normal annoyances of each day manage to frustrate those she cares about (and sometimes total strangers she has no obligation to) my sister will send a message that implies it was somehow her fault or that she could’ve prevented it.
I was reminded of just how much of an issue this seems to be particularly for women after reading an article published on Scary Mommy titled, “I Am Teaching My Daughter That She Does Not Have To Be ‘Sorry’ All The Time”. In the article, author Heather Rice explains how she began to notice traits of perfectionism and people-pleasing in her 7-year-old daughter from her throwing a fit over a toy construction set that failed to resemble the perfect model on the box to a time where they made muffins together and the little girl felt the need to apologize for them not being identical. In one sentence, Rice explains how we sometimes subconsciously socialize girls to put their own comfort to the side for the personal interests of the group:
“But the constant apologizing for herself or for others for whom she is not responsible, for the space she occupies to be, to breathe, to exist — reflexively like punctuation in a sentence — it is a distinctly female ritual. Her brothers don’t do it. Neither does her father. Unfortunately, she learned it from me.”
Now my mother was never one to do much apologizing. In fact, I always say “Ms. Ros” is strictly yell first, ask questions later, so I’m not exactly sure that my sister inherited this Justin Bieber lyric lifestyle from our parents, but on occasion I have found myself slipping the s-word to a co-worker who wasn’t able to send a fax like I’m the CEO of Brother Printers. As someone who most days likes to see things work out for strangers and those I care about alike, I think on some level I may have thought that “I’m sorry” somehow would serve as an apology when the actual person that owed it didn’t or couldn’t offer it. For me “I’m sorry” was a quick band-aid you could slap on an awkward situation to make it disappear. What I quickly learned is that the weight of the world cannot and should not be on my shoulders and that in a world where folks are already desperate for someone to place blame on, I didn’t need to be the martyr attaching myself to the sucky hand they may have been dealt for the day.
Furthermore, there are things that I am honestly not sorry for and shouldn’t be. We’ve all heard the conversations about women being socialized to be meek and subservient. Even Sheryl Sandberg, COO of Facebook, gave a whole talk about the unfortunate social norm of women apologizing every time they aren’t available, agreeable or willing to compromise. When men are the same way they are “confident, steadfast, determined” while women are labeled as “pushy, bitchy, loudmouths”.
I must say that the person who taught me the most about not apologizing for having boundaries, not being available and not making things convenient for others is my husband. Even employed in an industry where his customers directly affect his paycheck I have heard him be fair but honest right down to him saying, “Ma’am, I understand that you don’t get off work until 9:00 at night, but I too have a family and other obligations and cannot come to your home to replace your water heater at that time. If that doesn’t work for you, you might need to see a contractor that can accommodate your schedule.” Because the fact is, your personal comfort and convenience matters, and anyone who can’t respect should be the one apologizing.
Rice goes on to explain the urge to apologize isn’t necessarily a negative trait because it shows a person that’s willing to take accountability and resolve conflict if it means making progress, but that doesn’t mean your daughter should be anyone’s doormat:
“I am raising a young woman who seeks peace and resolution and is willing to face blame fearlessly, take responsibility, and when necessary, apologize. When or if you are the party who is wrong in a relationship or at work, or wherever, these are great, mature traits to have. Huge caveat here: when you are actually at fault.”
She also goes on to explain that her first step in getting her child to stop throwing the “sorry confetti” was to change her own behavior and set a different example:
“My job as her mother is to teach her not to assume fault that isn’t hers, and furthermore, how to avoid accepting blame or shame from those who are threatened by her very presence, her intelligence, her strength, her beauty, or her bright light.”
So even as I start to steer my two-year-old through the streets of social interaction and manners, I’ll admit that “please” and “thank you” are on regular rotation at my house, but “I’m sorry”? Not so much. This is not a 90’s R&B video. There is no rain or pleather jumpsuits. No one cheated. No one lied. And we will not begin the bad habit of apologizing for things that are not our fault.
Toya Sharee is a Health Resource Specialist who has a passion for helping young women build their self-esteem and make well-informed choices about their sexual health. She also advocates for women’s reproductive rights and blogs about everything from beauty to love and relationships. Follow her on Twitter @TheTrueTSharee or visit her blog, Bullets and Blessings.
The post Sorry…Not Sorry: Do You Apologize For Every Damn Thing? appeared first on MadameNoire.